Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Stumble-on truths

Some things have become very clear lately. They are my truths but not The Truth.

Hillary wrote about self-control being a fruit of the Spirit. The clarity here is that I am still seeking approval from others. But the Spirit is indwelling and the fruits should send light from the inside out. We should see growth.When we try to grow fruits from the outside in :usually from a source such as a parent or religous figure: It presses in and stifles. Brings death not fruit.

I realise I do not know how to set healthy boundaries.We often think of boundaries as letting people take liberties with us, but it goes the other way as well. We were taught so well to be hypersensitive that in a way the ego takes control. Constantly thinking of self and how we are appearing. I worry constantly about whether I've stepped over someones boundaries, and I wonder if this is just as unhealthy. It is certainly destructive in relationships.

In one of the other blogs the author talks about letting go of a works mentality, having to earn our way, and then realising that God had not removed His hand from their life but rather the opposite. I have been so worried about trying to be thankful for the hard times and lessons , about not getting trapped in the prosperity gospel that I often won't allow the joy to be present.

My friend Hillary has really inspired me to take up creativity again. And my friend Lisa has inspired me to let go of condemnation , be strong ,and be me.

I always felt it was going to be so much work to change who I am. But you know....God knew me before I was knit in my mothers womb. I am always who I was. It is not about changing, but about letting go. All the expectations and rules of others  have covered me. I am always in here. I need to rest, the work is finished and God will let it all be as it should have always been.

We went to the coast over easter. It always refreshes me spiritually by the ocean. It's siren song entwines my soul. As I sat and looked at the sand on my feet I was so happy. A lot of things went through my mind.

The other thing will be a choice I have to make before the years end. When you find someone in the box you are still defined by the boundaries and that is how your perceptions define life and relationships. As I know me and see the seeds that God has planted I have to find a new way to relate.The ties seem permanent but it's not how it was. I hope the two that were made one before God, carry the ties from before we were created and it's all in the plan.

An Interlude.

I feel faceless, graceless in this moment. Not even as succint as mediocre. All around the inspirational, the beautiful, the grace-moments. Skittering over like hair on silk. The pitchfork has aerated the soil , from whence then did this covering shadow come from.
I dream my dreams in loneliness; as from the womb untouched by loving hands. Perhaps the cover is woven of dreams melted like chocolate in the sun.I see, I smell, I crave the sweetness. I could reach and touch but not grasp substance. Patterned though with the marble of shattered dreams.

I stand in the marbled halls. The vision, the light is clear. The spirit senses what the eye has not materialised. All that is seen is a vessel in the corner. Receptive. Do I carry the seeds.